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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
1:32 am - blinding...
A judgement was made before the jury even showed up. There was no deliberation. Anything out of our 'box' is unacceptable. If the whole word thought like you, there'd be no one left, thank god we are intelligent enough not too. There are different types of intelligence, mind you. Not to say you all are not intelligent, just different. True intelligence is devoid of judgement at first sight. Observations, considerations, and ability to distinguish diversity among people or things is true intelligence. Smart minds dont dismiss at first glance. A genius sees through the shroud...he doesnt act as one.
Their's a viscious cycle that begins when you dismiss someone at first glance. All of their efforts go on deaf ears. Any gesture is shrugged off, and any fault is magnified. Soon enough, the dismissed starts doing the same. Why should any effort be made if their is no reaction? Would you be trying to read this right now if you were blind? All I have to say is thank you for making yourselves people that I would never want to be associated with.

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Sunday, March 16th, 2003
2:47 pm - La de da
I feel so much better now that we actually talk like we used to all those months.. Things seem much more stable now. I am begin to accept the things you have to do, and I know I'll see you soon... Whether I go there or you come here, it will work out.

I am still bothered by your consideration of starting over. Afterall, it is only a consideration, and we all have to at least 'consider' something.. I have nothing to worry about.. but it bothers me that you even did consider... I think you had to..? I was just under the impression you always wanted this to work... I know you do.. I know I do..and we have to make it so.. :) You're always #1 in my heart... Nothing can replace you.

It is all I want, and I am going to make this work. I am not going to give you up, ever, I love you, and love is something that CANNOT be wasted. I'm trying, I really am.. I need to figure out what I am going to do with my life though.. I want to be with you, deperately... We will just have to see what happens in the coming months..

Love you my dearest!
- Char :)

current mood: hopeful

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Saturday, March 15th, 2003
1:11 am - sigh
sigh. work. Went in, and got slammed with EVERYTHING. Had so much stuff to do. Was already upset when I walked in, so that didnt help. 15 min. into being at work, my manager asks if I'm okay, I of course say yes.. She then asks if I am happy, I give her an instant no, and she said that she knew something was wrong. The night consists of EVERYONE asking if I'm okay, don't know why. Maybe it was obvious? pretty retarded. heh. anyways.. i have mon. tues. and thurs. off again for spring break great. whatever.
I'm hoping you'll call tonight.. have a good night...
Love,
- Charlie

current mood: lonely

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Friday, March 14th, 2003
1:37 pm -
And another day passes.. School was okay. I keep getting more and more behind. Little by little. Just not doing work, it's not that big of a deal. After Sprink Break, there are only 6 more weeks left for us Seniors. Wow. So soon. I can't wait. Spring Break started. woo-hoo. Too bad no ones around to spend it with. Elliott and Wes are leaving on a cruise saturday, and will be gone the whole week. Gage is too much of a pessimist prick to even stand, and you, are gone. Read my mom's reponse to your e-mail. I still don't like how she responded. She's being too defensive of me, but I guess that is a mother's natural instinct afterall.. In the stuttered words of Charlie:
I jus...
I just hop..
I-I just hope you come b-back. lol. sigh
I work all weekend.
Your not here.

sucky.

You have no idea how much love you's and miss you's mean to me right now. That's what is keeping me going.. I feel on the verge of tears ALL day, literally. Just that 'feeling' you get before it happens.. I never knew what this was like.. to truly miss someone.

I'm sorry for being so glum, I know you want me to be happy. I know... and I try.. try.

Well, it's about 4.. time to get ready for work.. i kind of look forward to work (as scary as THAT is), gives me something contructive to do and keeps my mind off everything..

Like I said, this is my journal to you..So check it out often..I'll let you know how I'm feeling and whats going on better than I might be able to on the phone... Call me tonight, please?

Have fun..
I love you Andria
- Char

current mood: nervous

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Thursday, March 13th, 2003
5:38 am
A few times a day, I still think it's just a big gag. Some joke to bring us closer. Everytime I see a red car like their's, I get my hope, my eyes raise, and I peek inside for a view of who's inside. Just that very second, I realize... it's not a joke. She is gone.

When I come home at night, I wish she was in my bed waiting for me, like she always was. I excitedly come in the house, and almost 'expect' her to be there ....and never see her. It's then, that I realize.

This is not a joke.

I stood there for at least 5 mintues last night when I got home, staring at my couch, picturing her laying there,pretending. Waiting for me to come wrap my arms around her and talk about the days toils.. or not. Arms wrapped tight around is my greatest comfort. To have her in my arms...
I picture her smiling waiting for a kiss on the cheek.

And then I only wonder how California is. I reason with myself in the car, 'maybe she didnt leave, maybe she is just playing a huge joke on me, haha'. I know it's not true, but it feels better to pretend right now than face the facts...My everything...

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
1:27 pm - what a day..
love; written in blood.
never in inks.

i'm sitting alone in the woods. the forest moves alive behind me. my fire, it cackles at every oh so perfect slot in time. i am staring into the blue, red, and orange flames. i watch as nearly intangible flames spread, swiftly swell up, and engulf pieces of lumber in a fury. The fire struggles to breath. the wood struggles to keep it's integrity. fire, on the other hand, will always win if given the proper tlc. a fire is alive. flames need to breath.
a flame. needs. oxygen.
just as you and i do.
fire. is. alive.

current mood: crazy

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Thursday, December 19th, 2002
11:58 pm
I need to start updatng more, instead of being asked (or told, rather) to. I don't know.. I've been thinking... It's amazing how one person can fill a spot once occupied by dozens. Simply amazing.

I'm looking back at my couch.. beneath those mound of blankets, lies something that means more to me than anything. Very surreal. Very peaceful. I wonder what she is dreaming? What thoughts might flow through her mind.. I wonder if I pop in anyhwere, and if so, what does she think?? Maybe she doesnt. Maybe 'she' is beginning to sound too ambiguous. Maybe it's not vague enough.

with a smile that would flood the seas...

I am obsessed with buying CD's. I think I have a problem.

Hello, my name is Charlie ::HI CHARLIE!:: And I am addicted to purchasing CDs. ::clapping::

current mood: pensive

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Monday, December 16th, 2002
10:51 pm - Final prayer for the human race :)
Hatebreed, ahh. So. I work at Hogbody's . I like it. Everyone there is VERY cool and for the bulk of my hours working, I have a great time. Me and Andria. We're great. We have had our problems, we have our problems, we will have problems. I really think we're masters at perservering. BUT, I think it's more Andria being as holy as Mother Teresa. Yes, I said it. I work alot. Having money is GREAT. I love buying things I could really do without :) Hm.. No riddles this time around, figured I'd be straight up, for once. But don't expect this to be habit :) I'm happy.

Need to get skinny. Need to get skinny. Need to work out. Need to get skinny. Need muscles. Need to get skinny. Need to tone up. I love you.
Need to get skinny. Need to get skinny. Need to work out. Need to get skinny. Need muscles. Need to get skinny. Need to tone up. I love you. Need to get skinny. Need to get skinny. Need to work out. Need to get skinny. Need muscles. Need to get skinny. Need to tone up. I love you. Need to get skinny. Need to get skinny. Need to work out. Need to get skinny. Need muscles. Need to get skinny. Need to tone up. I love you. Need to get skinny. Need to get skinny. Need to work out. Need to get skinny. Need muscles. Need to get skinny. Need to tone up. I love you. Need to get skinny. Need to get skinny. Need to work out. Need to get skinny. Need muscles. Need to get skinny. Need to tone up. I love you.
I'm always here.

current mood: excited

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Tuesday, November 19th, 2002
8:36 pm - Slowly Crying..
I saw your eyes slowly start to swell, as did my fear. For fear of losing you is my vice. Being always around the corner, each day I awake in fear. A chase with no end; that is, until one is created...
And as these eyes swell, so does the fear. The fear of losing you. Out walks my fear, slowly edging the corner, taunting me with every heart bled step. I know not what to say as my lips symbiotically bind to the absence residing within me.
And so I sit, dull and dumb. I tripped and fear came lapping.

current mood: crushed

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Saturday, November 16th, 2002
3:51 pm - i still see your lips mocking each word...
i still recall the taste of your tears
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head 'till i don't want to sleep anymore

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how
back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now
this thing is slowly taking me apart
grey would be the color if i had a heart
come on tell me

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have

in this place it seems like such a shame
though it all looks different now,
i know it's still the same
everywhere i look you're all i see
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be
come on tell me

you make this all go away
you make this all go away
i'm down to just one thing
and i'm starting to scare myself
you make this all go away
you make it all go away
i just want something
i just want something i can never have
i just want something i can never have

NIN. Indeed. I have something which feels just like what I want, but I don't have it. Maybe my luck will be better than Trent's..

current mood: hollowed out

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Sunday, November 10th, 2002
5:36 pm - supposedly..
Standing, singing, giving my self a private show, and my eyes start swelling with tears. That my friends, is a sign that something is not right.

"if we could turn back time, to anytime, like moving on inside.. and we still ask why, all the time...'

think. think think. whatever it takes.

current mood: moody

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11:31 am - Obscured my obscurity..
.A Pistol's Grip.

and if it were to be done...
please, make it a quick, quick...
death.

but if I were to forget...
please, make it a quick, quick...
death.

alas, when you get your shot...
may I grip the slot?
to hollow out my existence
and forever be...
not.

feeling your hand slowly slip away
this was my last, my last time to...
the last time, I pray

and if it were to be done...
please, make it a quick, quick...
death.

but if I were to forget...
please, make it a quick, quick...
death.
===============
and now i sit, left, waiting for my quick, quick, death.

current mood: blank

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Monday, October 28th, 2002
5:26 pm - hey
this is andria ...Im under charlies name hes playing guitar ....things see m odd I think hes irritated with me .... when will things ever change .... I guess this is as close to perfect as i could hope for ...

current mood: accomplished

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Sunday, October 27th, 2002
2:16 pm - Fueding Folks...
Family sucks sometimes. Wish I could just run away and start everything over. Live a great life. Wish I could just turn this page, finish this book, and pick up the next.

I miss you. I am eagerly awaiting your return to me. :) I can see a vast future including you. sigh. i dont know. im drained, i just want to see you.. and smile... just smile...

shhhh, just smile. :)

current mood: worried/excitied/sad

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Wednesday, October 23rd, 2002
12:10 am - Here it is boys, my Astrology.com report. 95% is dead on. This is the real me. Off comes my wrap!
How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others


You meet life head on and throw yourself into new experiences with zest and enthusiasm. You are direct, straightforward, assertive, and usually completely aboveboard in all your dealings. Candid and incapable of guile, insincerity or phoniness, you project a confident and sometimes arrogant appearance to others. You often lack tact and sensitivity, and can be completely oblivious to others' needs, and inadvertently selfish. You are self-reliant and don't depend upon social approval and reinforcement as much as other people do. You like to be original and do not mind going it alone. You may feel that you do not fit into groups very well, and that you do not naturally blend in and cooperate with others very easily. You like to be either a leader or a loner.

You are a doer and thrive on freedom, challenge, and activity. You tend to think in clear, black and white terms, and to be somewhat simplistic in your outlook, which enables you to act in a very decisive and self-assured manner. When inspired with an idea, you feel such a sense of urgency and excitement about it that you will often charge ahead and try to implement it in a rather bold but poorly planned and crudely executed way. Patience and careful attention to details are not your forte. However, you never accept defeat and will have brilliant and unprecedented successes and discoveries, as well as painful failures. To you it is far better to make mistakes than it is to play it safe and never try.

You are scornful of what you see as weakness or passivity in others and also of the human tendency to imitate and follow. You are not a follower. Others see you as a strong individual, and perhaps brash and brazen as well. You present a strong front to the world and generally do not allow others to see your vulnerable or insecure side.

The Inner You: Your Real Motivation


Quiet, deep, emotionally complex and intensely private, you are not a person who is easy to get to know and understand. You are extremely sensitive but disinclined to show it, and you allow only a special few into your inner world. Like a wary animal, you are cautious and mistrustful of those you do not know until you "sniff them out". You are very, very instinctive and intuitive. You usually have a strong, immediate gut reaction to people, even though you may be unable to clearly articulate why you feel as you do. Your feelings and perceptions go deeper than words.

You also have a powerful need for deep emotional involvement and you form very intense love bonds and attachments. You are possessive and often jealous of anyone or anything that you perceive as a threat to your bond with someone you love. When you commit yourself to someone or something, you are wholeheartedly devoted and expect complete loyalty in return. You merge with or "marry" the person you love at a very deep level and therefore separations are extremely painful for you, and often stormy and nasty. When you have been wounded, you are not inclined to turn the other cheek and will retaliate if at all possible. Certainly you will never forget the injury and often you harbor grievances and resentments for a long, long time. Forgiveness doesn't come easily to you.

Whatever you do, you do with passion and fervor, and you often go to extremes. You are either hot or cold, never lukewarm about anything. You can also be very narrow: either you are 100% involved in something or else it doesn't exist for you at all. Rarely are you emotionally detached and objective. You definitely have a fanatical streak. You are also immensely strong-willed and your tenacity in pursuing your objectives often borders on being obsessive. Fierce pride, courage, and emotional strength are yours in abundance.

You love mysteries and are deeply attracted to the hidden, dark, secret side of life. You never take things at face value and are always probing beneath the surface of people and situations to discover what is REALLY going on. You tend to be more of a cynic than an idealist.

The second part is 100% correct. Now you know what only a few do. Wahoo!

Second my gift strewn in white
tread the spirals of morale
deep deep deep, you go
you only regress.

in debt to your repeating footsteps
phlegmatic; sits the stone
deep deep deep, you go
you only regress.

every breath mocks your last
your reflection; a weary you
deep deep deep, you go
you only regress.

current mood: warm

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Thursday, October 17th, 2002
8:17 am - And your constantly on my mind...
Ahh yes, The Trials and Tribulations of Charlie :). Alot happened since my last entry. Some things good, while others I'd prefer to never think about again. I think I stopped writing in here because it depressed me. I just sat and reflected on everthing bad going on, and that's no way to deal with reality. I'm not one to dwell too much.

So I've been out of school all week. I think I have tonselitis. Eek, that's no fun. Tonight is Neptune's niggas!!! I love Neptune's. I'm bringing Andria (hi love!) and.. maybe Gage? I dont know. So, tonight should be fun. I'm hoping I'll feel a little better. I'm done writing. No riddles today boys, my deepest apologies :)

I. Heart. You.

current mood: sore

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Friday, October 4th, 2002
7:41 am - School sucks.. almost as bad as mornings..
this is a good emotional outlet, but not when I don't know what to say. this is hard, real hard. and real fucking gay. Only thing I can do is ignore stupid feelings, and just be happy when I'm with you. That's better than nothing.

i hate when the neck is just a little *too* tight on my fucking shirts, ughhhhh.

it's morning. i'm bored. didn't do my effin English 4 HW.. she's gonna be pisssssssed, oh well.

have a good morning all.

current mood: worried

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Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
7:29 am - Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


How do you feel about love?</i>


mmmm, wierd.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! GOOD PEOPLE SUFFER THE MOST!

Diecast rules. :)

LIFE IS FADING FULL SWING. HEARTS ARE BEATING. NOT YOUR TIME!!!

I'LL STAY STRONG! tjiortjirojeimok I'LL STAY STRONG! euongwroinetkl
IN MY HEART YOU ARE AWLAYS THERE! jiorwjnwriokl ALL MY LIFE!

lol. good morning live journal :)

current mood: hopeful

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Sunday, September 29th, 2002
11:38 pm - Wrap me up..
it seems only a rock sets us apart..
the steps so few, guide me, lead me through..

brick upon brick, our solstice will be made..
a distance so short, show me, direct my court..

Can't think of anything insightful. I wish I could express this feeling. Picture a blanket in the middle of winter.

current mood: warm

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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
10:54 pm - One to remember..
Daily Horoscope for Charlie Wall

Scorpio on Tuesday Sep 24, 2002:

You will be in a cranky mood if your partner has disappointed you. Communication will only make matters worse. Your all-or-nothing attitude will make it difficult to compromise.

current mood: scared

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